i am me

what will you choose if u had the choice of following your heart or mind?

to hurt someone who cares for you or live knowing you lied to no one but yourself?

decisions seems easy but what if "that" one decision can change your entire life?
how can one choose which road to take?
how can one be certain its the right way?
how can one be sure he will never regret it?

i’ve made many decisions in my life but this is one choice where i know what i do now will change what my life will be years from now. it isnt hard to just make a choice but how can i be certain that i will never think "what if" i had taken the other road… i guess whatever i do, i will never be certain on what might happen in the future but i just don’t want to regret. i know i cant take it anymore but i dont know what else to do. to follow my heart or mind???

either one, tears will be shed, the thing is, should it be mine or someone else..
this is one decision i DONT want to make..

damn, been freaking long since i last wrote in here, guess juz didnt hav time n too lazy even if i did.. lets see, these last few months really pushed me back to my tracks, esp the last 2 months..

as bad as it was, i guess i gained lots more than i lost,. at last i realise that i CAN love again, i nv thought i could love someone more than i love myself, hehehe.. well, it ended, as usual i messed things up, but guess that if its not meant to be then it wont..

nway, these prob got me to realise again that yes, frens r always here.. juz want to say thanks to all u guys who advised me n was there when i was feeling fucked, appreciate it alot.. guess wat u guys say’s true, there’s no maybes in life, juz yes or no..

lets not talk bout the bad times, well, new year was GREAT! had a blast the entire nite.. as happy as i was, realised that im another year older, n damn, 20’s a bit hit.. althought feels im still the same but guess fooling around isnt an option anymore.. sigh..

oh yea, cny’s a few days away, cant wait to get back.. normally i cant wait to get drunk n money but this time its different, juz want to spend time wit my parents n family, feel like i havent comunicated much wit them recently n im kinda losing track in my life, need to reset n get back on track.. (nv thought i could be this emo, wtf’s happening to me!!)

nway, pen off for now, need to crash.. will write again soon..

guess wat, rumours that there are actually monkeys living nearby college is in fact TRUE…. yeap, i saw a god damn monkey crossing the road right in front of me.. damn man, nv thought all the jokes we made were in fact reality.. nway, monkeys or not, i still love studyin here… life’s great n friends r great..

nway, back to class now.. blog something more interesting some other time..

i came across this quote, "never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"…  well, i have to say tht it got me thinking hard, i guess its true.. it seems like many of us seems to make a person ( a crush i guess ) as someone who we put 1st in mind, 1st in everything…, im not saying this is bad but i think if tht particular person does not put u 1st, as you did, then wats the point..?! for something to spark, i believe that it has to be from both parties, as said, one alone can dream, but two can make the dream come true……..

im not saying tht one should back off if this happens but juz think about it, even without the pain, isn’t it juz a waste of time??? well, i cant deny tht this happened to me and to be frank, i juz got fed up after a while.. fed up of thinking, fed up of wondering if its juz me thts thinking too much.. some close friends of mine told me tht "moving along" will help, but i seriously doubt it….. tried many many times, many, it DOESN’T…!

i guess im saying this to myself n some of my close frens out there who’re goin through this same thing.., i know tht it ain’t easy to let go something ur heart learnt to love, but is it really worth the pain,. no one is worth your tears but the one that is, will never make u cry…..

its currently may 27th, 4.33am.. juz been back from clubbing, zouk.. nway, put tht aside, thanks to  chung, we got in as guest, if u’re reading this, i appreciate it alot man..  as excited as i was in the beginning, it wasn’t as fun as i thought it would be, maybe coz there was a lack of a person.. nway, i guess it wasn’t totally a waste of time coz the pro dj grand finals was held today.. at least i now know how the best dj’s sounds like… frankly speaking, it wasn’t tht good..

but u know wat was the best part? getting my tummy n back touched by a hot n sexy "she-man"… yes, its true, a guy’s worse nightmare juz struck me, my dignity was lost, at tht moment, i had no f**king idea wat to do., i juz turned n smiled at "shim".. tht smiled was later punished when tht thing touched me again (i beg u not to ask me where)… i guess this is wat u get for goin clubbing.., but as i said, no regrets.. hahaha..

well, when i was "touched", i was kinda pissed off but come to think of it, if they were girls, i would be fine,.. so i guess its true wat ppl say, juz because somethng is different, we felt insulted by the action..

as weird as it seems, yes, i’m writting a blog, n yes, i’m surin, n yes, i havent gone crazy.. it seems tht writting blogs is kinda interesting so here i am, trying to do something i nv expected myself doing..

for those who dont know me, let me start wit a little intro of myself. my name’s surinder tara, was born on the 13th july 87 at kota bharu kelantan. as sad as i was living there, i gradually fell in love with the place,. although i hav not been lived there my entire life but living there for the past 9 years showed me the true colours of friends, family, fun, hardship n love,…something that has made me who i am today..

people who do not know me might generate some bad impressions on me as of my interest n habbits, some say i’m juz spoilt but juz give me a little time n if u still hold your stand, i’ll respect that.. well, till now i hav a principle, i learned this from my dad, "never regret", some might misunderstand this n say i’m too proud to admit mistakes but if a decision is made after lots n lots of thought, regreting that action will juz imply that u hav no stand…  and yes, if u asked me, i’ll honestly answer that i have no regrets of anything that i did in 18 years of living,. i am who i am today because of all the achivements n mistakes i made along these years,. although i hav ashamed myself with some mistakes, i learned from them n i think that is what matters in the end…

i realise that im juz 18 n this is juz a beginning,. maybe what im thinking now is wrong but no matter what happens in the future, i know that no matter how deep shit seems to be, there is always a way out….

i’ll juz leave the future to be, what is important is the presence..